Neither it is those situations we face in life when we really need an interesting conversation about anything, anything at all, with anyone, or someone special, and all we find is people who “don’t get it”, or just “can’t see it”, the way we see it and the way we feel it. It means you’re only and one. This is the universal principle of Uniqueness.

That emptiness, that ache in the chest we feel, when we remember someone we love or loved truly, and for one reason or another left us, or made us depart, might be described as solitude. It’s not. It is Missing.

Sometimes, there’s no one around. Like when you’re driving your way home at 04:00am on empty streets and avenues with no one on the passenger’s seat, listening to that sad song, tuned to that somewhat kind of blue radio station. This is not solitude. It is Circumstance.

Solitude is not like when there’s no one to talk, date, have fun, have sex, or anything alike. It is just Neediness.

Solitude is so much more…

Solitude is when we become aware we don’t have figured out our own self, our very essence, our dreams, our hope. Solitude is when we are all alone looking for the one thing no one can help us find… our individual path in this existence.

And maybe, you’ve already found your individual path in this existence and now you know it is completely up to you only to follow that path, and that also is Solitude.

Looking for it… knowing no one can find it, or follow it, but yourself… this is Solitude.

P.S.: Interesting how we get deep at subjects when we are mildly drunk… you get to a point where you can either sober up or fall into oblivion, because nothing seems to make sense at all.

One of these sleepless nights, too late to go to bed, too early to prepare the breakfast, I’ve found a weird, (un)beliavable documentary.

I must sound naive to some people, especially to the highly educated phD wannabes…

But it actually shocked me. Here it is:

The Hidden History of the Human Race

Part 1 – CLICK HERE

Part 5 – this is really, really WILD – start from here if you like

Well, from the link above, you can search for the other parts according to your interest and curiosity. The author is Michael Cremo. I didn’t research about him as I’m writing it, by the way.

Hint: Open your mind and forget Darwin, forget the Church, forget History books, forget Archaeology, forget… well forget the world as you know.
Then, remember everything you were taught and draw your conclusions.
It might be nonsense, but it is food for thought at the very least.

After all if you at least suspect something is wrong in the world’s status quo, why not give it a try?

Knowledge never hurts. And if someone say that “wrong knowledge” hurts, who is judging it?

Choose who dictates which knowledge is valid or invalid to you:
- Politicians (AKA professional liars)?
- Church (known to hide and judge knowledge in the last 2000 years)
- Mass Media (providers of bread and circus to the cheering crowd)
- Mainstream Science (conducted by institutions with connections to governments AND politicians)

It is very “Zeitgeistish” (please, please see Zeitgeist and Zeitgeist Addendum)

One last (but really important) quote (a reminder to you, dear reader):

…scientific theory, and human knowledge generally, is irreducibly conjectural or hypothetical, and is generated by the creative imagination in order to solve problems that have arisen in specific historic-cultural settings. Logically, no number of positive outcomes at the level of experimental testing can confirm a scientific theory, but a single counterexample is logically decisive: it shows the theory, from which the implication is derived, to be false. The term “falsifiable” does not mean something is false; rather, that if it is false, then this can be shown by observation or experiment.
Karl Popper

Now, how THAT apply not only to Science, but also Religion and Politics (anyway, to the last one (two?)… Truth is not their business. Their business is… well, business – is not always – I mean, NEVER – related to the well being of the overall population or environment).

Actually, I hope I find more of this stuff, so I can f*** my brains out of my head… or at least the part that has been washed up.

Wheeew… I’m done venting my pseudo philosophy or whatever.

Peace,

D.

I realized there’s a bleeding inside me. A wound. An open gap throbbing deep inside my chest.

It’s been there forever. And it is the cause and was caused by my frustrations, victories, failures, conquests, denials, dreams…

It feels like it was tearing my heart apart, and start leaking, flowing in me, attempting to escape through my eyes, my ears, my mouth, towards the world, towards every friend, every adversary, towards them, towards you. And I have always felt kind of hungry, thirsty, not in a physical way, but IN me.

And this bleeding has always been my weakness, my strength, my doom, my gift.

When I was younger, and not long ago, to tell the truth, it used to hurt, to ache, but now… now I’m on my way to master it. It’s a continuous battle to control it, to contain it, to release it.

There are times, when it overpowers my will, much like a tidal wave that comes from the depths of the ocean. Devastating me, leaving me ashore naked and cold.

There are times when it feeds me. Ironically becoming a source of warmth, of blood, of life, when the wound itself is bleeding the most.

Sometimes it even becomes me, when I act fiercely toward something. Blood, sweat and tears as they say…

And this bleeding feeds me and keeps me always hungry.
And it burns me, and it fuels me.
It consumes me, and is consumed by me.

I don’t know. The only thing I know is that it flows in my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas, my will, my decisions, my actions.

It is anger, which I must embrace and transcend it into power, it is passion, which I must turn to drive.
It is wild, and it must remain wild, for if I attempt to tame it, I would be killing it, killing my very self.
And sometimes, it is love. And then I would kill to protect my loved ones.

It is real and it is intense, yet it is invisible and unspeakable.

Is it what is called soul? Is it destiny?

All I know is that it is a force, which I must master, and harness it’s power. Either I do it, or I’ll be destroyed by it.

Like I said, it keeps me hungry, it feeds me. It burns me, it fuels me.

This bleeding will never stop. I shall drink my own blood.

I shall become my own blood. Feed from it, nurture my loved ones with it.

And it feels like this quest for whatever is going to be forever.

Is there anybody out there who feels like this? I mean…
Looking for something for so long, and you don’t even know what the hell it is.
Then you start reading all kind of books, watching all kind of movies, documentaries, everything.
You hang out with people and have fun, and talk about anything until 3am, and go home and nothing happens. I mean nothing significant changes in your view of life.

Nothing is gonna change my world… jay guru deva on…

I can’t help listening to this Beatles song in my head.

Actually people expect you to be the one who does that.
You are supposed to be the one who will change their lives. Sort of.

So you resort to your memories, and dreams, and reveries and daydreams trying to find what makes some particular moments so damn special. What is it that put a smile on your face when you least expect?

And it seems like your whole life is like a blanket made of pieces of beautiful fabrics of different colors and patterns sewn together, like those grandma used to make. A vast collection of moments that covers you while you sleep and dream about your yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Then you cover yourself up with this blanket and start writing, singing and playing your guitar, because by doing it, it brings you closer to the one thing you’ve been looking for… even when you can’t even name it, you still can feel it burning inside you. Dreams sometimes can be more “real” than the real thing.

And even if you’re singing and playing all by yourself, it feels so good, that after two hours or so, you feel pretty much energized (or exhausted and relaxed, depending on what you’ve been playing… pretty much like sex, I think).
Anyway, it makes you wanna go outside and take a walk and see if you actually see anything similar to what you’ve felt, in the “real world”. And then, you can’t find it.

It seems that sometimes its better living in a “dream world” than being in the “real world”.
And you start wondering if everyone and everything you know are not just figments of your own imagination, that what you perceive as real may not be real, just an expression, a projection of what you have inside of you, in your head, in your heart.

So maybe, only maybe… I am you and you are me and we are all together…

I think this is exactly what it is… to some extent, of course. Don’t mean to sound like a weirdo here.

But then again there are these fantastic moments you spend with some truly amazing people (that unfortunately are so rare nowadays) that pull you back to life with an intensity never felt before. And then you go out, and have a coffee or beer, and a long conversation about whatever.

And its so good to listen to these people, while you watch attentively to every gesture, expression on their faces, posture, words they use, their voices, their eyes…
How they raise their eyebrows, press their lips, look up or down…
You feel relaxed, paying close attention to the person in front of you.

They remind you why its so good to have both your feet on earth, right in front of them. Some people are like reminders to stay down to earth, not because you have to, uh… “get real”… but because its good, its great to be here and now.

And they too, are open to receive your world into them.
And then you, more than talk, actually communicate, more than that, get into an osmosis kind of thing. Communion. Religare. And they open their eyes wide and don’t move until you’re finished. Then they smile big.
I love seeing people smiling with sparkling eyes and nodding their heads. Its an amazing feeling of… “something very familiar yet very new is going on here”.

Love?

And it all comes to a paradox. I do value tremendously my solitude, my privacy, my space and my own things… and on the other hand, I really cherish these moments I share with such special people, when everything you have is right on the table (now I’m not talking about cel phone, cigarettes and beer, you know).

And every time I think about going out with someone (specially if I don’t know the person really well), I think whether its gonna be worth my time or whether I should do something better.

Unless… I’m dying for a beer and a laugh, of course!

If that’s the case, ok, I can enjoy 1 or 2 hours of interaction with anyone. No more than that. Most people are not really good in keeping my interest and attention. I know that when dealing with people I’m kinda picky, but not because I want to… it just happens. In fact, it doesn’t happen most of the time.

But well… what I really want here is finding a way to say thanks to every person that makes my life as amazing as it is.
And I think (and no, I don’t intend being cocky here…) the best way I can do it, would be making my time available to these people and make their lives amazing too for some moments or more.

For now I keep dreaming and writing and wondering in a mild hangover condition.

Well, I was drunk the other day and I was wondering about what the hell is this life for.
I was struck with an exquisite feeling of being a genius… I thought with myself… man! I am a genius! I have to write it down.

And this is the piece of crap I’ve found written in my notebook the next day…

Learning. Evolving. Growing.
Spreading the seeds.
Then it comes the harvest season.
The gathering of malt and hops.
Brew your ale carefully.
And have your beer with someone who did the same.

Enjoy it, share it, and so, you can do it all over again, and again, and again

Yep, not genius, just drunk… it feels a little bit embarrassing to confess, but… oh, whatever!

Be good!

I don’t love you. But I’m sure somebody out there does.

We, boys and girls with minds as sharp as clear winter skies and highly flammable hearts, we have will tempered like steel… still… emptiness, holes, in the places where WE ourselves were supposed to be.

Just blank space. And silence.

Or maybe it is just me.
Even with a clear mind, and a strong, though battered heart, the world is an unclear place and sometimes it’s hard to tell where you end and everyone else begins.
All I know for sure is that you do end somewhere and somewhere “they” begin, and in between is a bridge you are supposed to cross to find a place for yourself in someone else. And there are the ones who are supposed to cross to find a place in you.
But the part of you that knows the way across, or even how to see the bridge at all, is just a hole.

So you stay at home and look for something inside.
But before too long, you fill the gap, and the daylight and night time, with movies and drama, and conversations and booze, and music, and poetry, and books.

Then later with longer shows from the nice people you meet, where they make the pictures of the world we live in, and you take those pictures with you to life and try to use them to find and cross the bridge because eventually…eventually and inevitably…you look up one day and find that your eyes are filled with the eyes of a girl who sees you.

And you wanted someone to see you. Not like seeing you, and you seeing her. SEE you, so you SEE her.

But it’s just holes staring into holes and so…and so you are blind and the bridge is nowhere to be found.
Or maybe it is just that I am blind, because maybe it’s just me. And even though I feel filled to bursting with everything, I am empty of anything, or at least anything I can see, hear, smell and touch. Just more blank space. And silence. Void.

You start feeling like you have to protect yourself against this odd feeling… and instead of building a bridge, the bridge you can’t find, you start building walls. And these walls are so thick and heavy and tall… that later on your life, you start fearing them. It’s like being imprisoned in your very essence, your very individuality, your very private haven.

And when someone threats to pass through these walls… you secure the gates. And it demands a tremendous amount of energy. You gather every resource to hold the gates.
Because you know these walls can only be thrown down from the inside. None should pass. Your protection, your very being, your very private safe haven, your prison, the hole protected by walls thick, heavy, strong and tall… might crush you when they fall.

That’s how much strong the fear of intimacy is. That’s how much power you have to harness to truly be intimate with someone. And that’s why the other person must be as strong and powerful as you are.

And that’s why many of us still don’t know what love is.

The outsider might bring destruction. But she also might bring flowers. Might bring a gift. Might bring freedom from these walls.

And so it goes. One day is flowers, the next, a bomb. I decide to shut the gate tightly. I have the strength to do it effectively.

Besieged, I must gather resources so I don’t starve to death, and the void is famine.

This void, this bleeding inside me, feeds me and keeps me hungry. This fire inside me burns me and fuels me. It hurts, and as weird as it may seem, it feels great.

And then one day something is missing. Well, maybe not exactly missing but it just feels like I misplaced something. I don’t remember what it is, only that I have lost it.

I’ll find it. That’s my choice as a free man in a prison. I may be trapped, but I still have my clear winter sky mind, my heart – which I must gather together, and my will – tempered like steel over the years. That’s what I’ve been thinking. That’s what I’ve been feeling. That’s what I have being, so to speak.

And here I am… staring to these walls. I think I will throw them down. But I must grow stronger first. So they don’t crush me when they fall.

Then… I will build a bridge. And the bleeding will stop. Maybe…

But first… let me take a sip of that pint of red ale… looks delicious… and I’m thirsty again.

“Some people feel like they don’t deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.” – Alexander Supertramp (Christopher McCandless)

Have you ever seen any of these people walking on earth? Damn… I know a lot of these people. Actually, I was one of them until some time ago.

You know… that’s what they mean when they say “I need some space”, or “I have issues” when they break up with someone.
I mean, supposing they are being genuinely honest about the thing. Of course these clichés might mean something like “Damn, I’m just no that into you”, or “I have other people in the line”, or anything like that.

But supposing people are honest when they say these things… it’s an incredible fear of intimacy when entering a new relationship that takes over thoughts and feelings that drives these words out of their mouths. Fear of losing freedom, individuality, space, lifestyle.
I’ve met a girl who once said she was afraid to love. That kinda startled me. How the hell can someone be afraid to love? It is impossible. It’s a lie. A poor excuse for something else. Secrets. Everybody has secrets, and I don’t really need to know them, unless they wanna tell me. I prefer that people be honest with me, even brutally.

Ok… I’m curious, and this kind of thing really makes me wonder sometimes. But anyway, it’s part of the “stuff we never ask”…

So, I kept thinking about it during the sleepless nights when I just can’t shut my thoughts and I keep staring to the dark, with my arms crossed at the back of my neck, wondering…

Then, I slowly began feeling self conscious about my own attitude towards it. By “it” I mean my own perception of life, love, loss and everything related.

When emotions come too strong, I always withdraw to my own private empty space. I think you do it too. Maybe everybody does it… oh, maybe not.
But that’s because when you’re open to these kind of emotions, it’s a little bit dangerous. You might fall into a state where you feel empowered, and oddly enough, at the same time you’re kind of weakened and drained by this “crazy little thing called love”.
And you’re definitely vulnerable. You might get hurt when you love someone… seriously.

Fear of love… I finally understand.

I’ve used to be pretty much a coward when dealing with emotional threats, and I’ve been through some losses and I know how it feels. I know the sour, that’s why I can really enjoy the sweet now.
I could write a thousand words to describe this kind of thing (losing someone you love very much, or at least you think you love). It’s a devastating experience and blah blah blah, but I’ll save the words for some melancholic lyrics I might write one of these days. Let’s put it simple here: it sucks. It really sucks.
And (quoting Carter Webb the main character of In the Land of Women):
“I start to have this massive panic attack, like nothing I’ve ever had, and I think it’s happening because I can never imagine feeling that way about anybody else, ever again…”

Brilliant. That illustrates exactly what it feels like. But life goes on and you start changing.

You start mixing a feeling of anger every time you start falling in love with someone. And you mistreat the person, and despise displays of affection, and you turn into a monster. The ultimate hunter. Believe me or not, people can kind of “sense it”, absurd or not.
The funny thing is that when you start feeling tough and rough, and actually don’t give a shit to anyone but you, people start wanting to see the “nice, sensitive side of you”, when you’re actually trying to kill it. You turn into an egocentric, selfish person who wants to prove to yourself you can be really bad and sexy and seduce every interesting girl (or boy, in case you’re a girl reading this) you meet. Better hurt someone than getting hurt yourself. That’s the logic.

And when you go home… surprise! You’re alone. There’s nothing you can do to change it. You are alone in your deepest intimacy. There’s no one with whom you can actually share your life, because you became the ultimate seducer, the ultimate fighter in the love arena. You never lose, you always win.

Unfortunately, for you to win, someone else must lose.
And tragically, the one who lose is someone who probably wishes the best for you, and also deserves the best from you. Someone who is already feeling affectionate towards you. Someone who might even be loving you.
And when you realize, you became a player. You feel no guilt, no shame, no compromise, no responsibility. You’re tough. You’re bold, confident, funny, mysterious, cocky, independent… lonely.

Sadly, you’re playing a game where there can be no real winners if both parts don’t win together. I know I’m sounding like a moralist here, maybe even like your mother or your father, or that older friend of yours, who is wise, experienced and… divorced.

And sometimes when you stop for a while and think about your life, you feel you’re absolutely on your own, no matter how many friends you have, and how many people you meet. And you go out, have a lot of fun and laugh and meet people, but the only real conversation you can have is with a guitar, a piece of paper or a bottle.
Despite all you “social success”, you’ve failed. You are pathetic. You live a lie, an illusion. And now you’re a bad boy, a bad girl. Not only that, you’re a bad person. It feels great, but then and again you feel like shit. And a bit sad sometimes.

But it turns out to be alright. That’s what people mean when they say “Relax, you’ll be alright”. And you will. It might take some time, sometimes a long time in a very long farewell. A very long farewell to the one you loved and the one you used to be. But eventually you’ll wake up and feel alright. More than alright, you’ll feel great.

Again, Carter Webb:

“I’m trying to wake you up! There’s a big fucking world out there. It’s messy, and it’s chaotic, and it’s never, it’s never ever the thing you’d expect. It’s ok to be scared but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that really love you, the people that need you.”

I think we should never do anything with the intention of hurting someone. Well, some people deserves to get hurt, and hurt badly, but usually, in general, when you hurt people, specially those who care about you, in long term you screw yourself.
Unless you’re really stupid (I don’t mean being an average moron), but really, essentially, deep in your core, a stupid person… sooner or later you’ll realize it.

Like Alexander Supertramp said:
“I read somewhere… how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong… but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once.”

Maybe he was a Nietzsche addict.

And Ron Franz says ( this name reminds me of a nice cappuccino)… “When you forgive, you love. And when you love, God’s light shines upon you.”
It took a long time for Chris McCandless (the real name of Alexander Supertramp) to realize it. Because he had this epiphany while thinking (don’t worry, no spoilers here… I think):

“What if I were smiling and running into your arms? Would you see then what I see now?”

Because, after all

Happiness is only true when it is shared.

How truthful…

But don’t go too deep into this kind of stuff (like Wayne – from Wonder Years – used to say).

A guy used to say these words of wisdom:

“If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed.”

And Mr. Supertramp again comes with a fucking disturbing quote from Henry Thoreau:
“Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness… give me truth.”

Now, that’s true. I agree a hundred percent with Thoreau.

Damn… wrote all night long, just to say how much I loved these two movies…

I could tell you that you can’t miss these movies, that they are awesome,and so on.

But know what?

I think as a human being, you actually… deserve… to watch it.

Enjoy!

You’re only who you are once. You have this one life, this one chance, to be happy. Live it fully. See the world in company of people you love. Make plans. Dream big. Live hard. Have fun.Be here and now. Enjoy solitude. Miss someone. Find a caring person. Care about someone. Deeply. Have some beers. Have a cup of tea. Eat something you never tried. Take care of your family and friends. Set free of them, set them free. Travel. Get on the road. Break your heart. Mend it. Learn something new. Work on a dream. Have a long six hour conversation with that special someone until you can just hug and be quiet. Sleep. Stay awake during the night. Read something. Write something. Let someone you trust change your point of view. Be open. Stand your ground. If you’re single, abuse your charm. If you’re not, she is the only one. Allow someone to slow you down when you’re moving too fast. Don’t be a macho man, don’t be a sissy. Don’t be too fiercely independent, don’t be clingy. Know to let go. Be always true. Be faithful. Be free. Change your mind. Do it, even when not ready for anything. It is only when you fall that you can learn whether you can fly. Evolve. Jump. Smile. Learn. Live. Love.

Be here now.

This list came from The Guardian

1. The reader is a friend, not an adversary, not a spectator.
2. Fiction that isn’t an author’s personal adventure into the frightening or the unknown isn’t worth writing for anything but money.
3. Never use the word “then” as a conjunction– we have “and” for this purpose. Substituting “then” is the lazy or tone-deaf writer’s non-solution to the problem of too many “ands” on the page.
4. Write in the third person unless a really distinctive first-person voice offers itself irresistibly.
5. When information becomes free and universally accessible, voluminous research for a novel is devalued along with it.
6. The most purely autobiographical fiction requires pure invention. Nobody ever wrote a more auto biographical story than “The Metamorphosis”.
7. You see more sitting still than chasing after.
8. It’s doubtful that anyone with an internet connection at his workplace is writing good fiction.
9. Interesting verbs are seldom very interesting.
10. You have to love before you can be relentless.

What I liked about this particular list from Jonathan Franzen is that it is a metaphor for life. I like to read it like this:

1. If you chose someone to share your moments with, take the person as a friend rather than a spectator or an adversary. No need to argue about everything. No need to be right all the time. Put your opinion aside and be willing to tell and listen to a story, and how it contribute for your life.
2. Life IS a personal journey into the unknown, and it may be frightening at times. It means you’re constantly pushing your boundaries. Getting rid of what is no good anymore, and adopting new, and possibly better perspectives. Of course, without losing your core self, that by the way is not your personality, or ego, or even history.
3. Well… life is full of “ands” and “ifs”.
4. There’s no better way to keep your sanity than seeing yourself in the third person. It’s kinda like keeping control of you “avatar” in a movie we call… yep, life. However there are those moments, where you want to be fully present… and sober, I might add, heh…
5. This is the age of information, ladies and gentleman. Sad but true. Information and a pretty design seems to be more valued than content nowadays. Not for me. What about you?
6. People change, as life does. Metamorphosis is all about becoming the actual you. Lots of pain involved in the process of getting out of your shell. And lots of hesitation too. It is ok to be afraid. But it’s not ok getting paralyzed by fear. Taking a conscious decision requires courage, and courage is not absence of fear, it is overcoming fear.
7. LOL… I bet this guy likes playing hard to get in his relationships.
8. Hell, we’re all damned. At least I’m writing this blog thing for now.
9. As people who claim to be interesting are seldom very interesting.
10. Or, or… it might be just the contrary.

Keep creative. And like Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen wrote, “Stay awake, stay hungry, stay alive…”

Things like  self discovery, emotions, feelings, people, the world, love and life are not mysteries to be solved. They are meant to be lived. On a daily basis.

Life is a a series of motion pictures, a collection of moments. Great tales and short stories of beauty, love, anger, joy and fear, and conquests and defeats intertwined in something we call consciousness.

A never ending story with no beginning, no middle and no end… I mean, there is an end, but maybe not. Who knows for sure?

What I mean is, in life, there’s no cause and effect. The past is no more, tomorrow is yet to be. There is only here and now, and you. I think buddhists have a similar point of view, though I don’t believe in “enlightenment”. Only being.

And to talk about religion, I prefer to believe that God is not a self righteous, vengeful, bearded old man, who enjoys terrorizing and punishing people, but a woman, kind, nurturing  and a source of endless forgiveness and understanding, radiating a soothing bliss.

Life is always more than we can possibly imagine it. And while we make plans for a better future, we are alive right here and right now and not paying very much attention to it.

D.